V-Day

 Los Angeles, California

Once upon a time, I worked on a writing project entitled Romancing. I never finished it, and I can't even exactly remember what I was going for there, but I think I was compiling romantic songs, films to see, places to go, food to imbibe. Stuff like that. Somewhere along the line, I lost interest in writing about it. But I have always indulged in those things.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a chick flick kind of woman. I find most of those rom-com movies pretty shallow and insipid. There are exceptions. When Harry Met Sally, is one. But there are some other films, mostly indies and classics, that I find inspirationally romantic. They have to be complex. The simplicity of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, each one has one glove from a pair... Spare me.

I was not a fan of Cinderella nor Snow White. And that is probably one of the reasons I loved Sondheim's Into the Woods. There is another chapter after happily ever after (or maybe in place of it). And there is a comfort to Cinderella ending up with the baker.

Real romance, intimacy, is wonderful. It's in words, looks, caresses. In locked eyes while dancing, and warm kisses afterwards... Oh, don't get me started.

So, feeling as I do about romance, I invited three girlfriends over for dinner on Valentine's Day! It was an idea that occurred to me because V-Day fell on a Saturday. You might ask, why I wasn't spending it with Joel. And that answer is, that Saturday is the first day of Joel's work week, and his work day begins at 4:00 AM. So, we never dance on Friday nights, and we rarely spend a Saturday night together. In light of that, it seemed like a good time to gather some girls. One of my friends is recently widowed. And the other two are single women, both still working in the field of psychotherapy.

And, on the topic of their field, I do like having friends who have been in psychotherapy at some time in their life. I've probably written this before, but it bears restating. Therapy is higher education. I have a university degree in English literature. Yes, I am writing here, so I suppose you could say I am using what I learned in four years of college. But if I had to go back and make a choice between my college experience and therapy, I would choose therapy hands down. I use what I learned in therapy every single day. I apply it to almost every area of my life. It provides understanding, relief from anxiety, and an ability to identify and classify every emotion I might feel. It's not the only discipline I use to cope with what arises in my life. I also utilize philosophy and prayer. I have a belief in a triumverite. It is my belief that using only one lens to view your life and the world is unwise, and sometimes dangerous. Dare I use the word cult? That's when you peel away anything that doesn't agree with one viewpoint. Scary? Yes, and shallow.

The other good thing about having friends who have gone through a process of therapy is that they know how to deal with issues and conflict. If you have ever brought up a relationship issue with a friend and realize they have absolutely no ability to deal with it, forget it. They will most likely run for the hills. And, not to sound harsh but, you are probably better off without them (as illustrated in a previous post: Better Broken).

I've been out of therapy for years. But when feeling overwhelmed, and when the tools aren't working, I do have a few friends on whom I rely. One of them is my friend, Joy, who is not a therapist, but a 12-step sponsor. She is an excellent listener and always offers beneficial, concrete input. The other is my guru, Cathy, who guides me in fitness and wellness through Chinese medicine, but also has an intuitive understanding of emotional upheavals. And, of course, there is Cin, my 'better friend' who is a psychotherapist. It is important to recognize the friends with whom you share reciprocal caring, but who offer unhelpful input. It can feel like an anvil dropped on top of your suffering.

So it was good to celebrate what has been called Galentine's Day with girlfriends. The women in our lives should be the foundation of emotional wellness, built brick by brick. And besides, I can celebrate the romantic relationship I have with Joel any other day of the year. In fact, starting tonight, when we will open and share a bottle of Veuve Cliquot brut rosé. We won't be able to dance all night, under electric candlelight, as The Kinks sang. Not while Joel is still dealing with a torn rotator cuff. But, we'll work around that for now, looking forward to the future when he will once again be my dancing sweetheart. Menwhile, I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate with the gals and my guy. Win, win.