Los Angeles, California
Don't look back in anger nor look forward in fear but look around you in awareness.
The quote above is from a rather unlikely source (I think). It was written, or said, by James Thurber, an American cartoonist and humorist who, after a career as a reporter, became a writer for The New Yorker. And, he was a favorite of my parents. I recall seeing his books in my parents' library, as I was growing up.
It's an interesting quote to come from Thurber, who lived a life rife with despair, which is not uncommon among writers. That aside, I found the quote in my writing notes which I keep on my phone. When the post well runs dry, I refer to these notes to grab an idea. I found about a handful of notes that would/will work for blogposts, but this is the one that stood out. I don't know where I originally found this quote, nor when he wrote it. He died in 1961 after suffering in his later years with profound depression and alcoholism, as well as blindness. I doubt it came from his latter years.
It speaks to me because it is about mindfulness. During the pandemic I became a meditator. I still meditate, but during lockdown I meditated pretty much daily, using an online app for this. While I am increasingly mindful of staying away from tech as much as I can (in fact, I am considering the thirty day smartphone challenge*), the Insight Timer site works well for guided meditation. I know what I like. I shun affirmations, going instead for meditations offered for mindfulness and breathing. If you reread the above quote, you will clearly see that it fits into the meditative process of mindfulness.
I spent the first thirty-five years of my life looking back in anger and forward in fear. This life view was installed in me by an anxious (and rather narcissistic) mother. I know that reads harsh. My mother was a complex being. In many ways, she provided a number of gifts to her children. She was highly intelligent, profoundly generous, and she was a lover of fun. Family events and travel were all about that. But she was also critical and emotionally needy. In my upbringing I received the full effect of her gifts and her tribulations. I have always sought out recreation and fun in my life. But I also was an anxious child, a more anxious and depressed teenager, and it all came to a head in my twenties. I was fortunate to find a good therapist and to acquire the tools I needed with which to ford my streams of distress. And now, many of my friends look to me for advice and help which I am happy to provide (all part of the frister package).
At the start of the Covid pandemic, I was feeling fearful and uncertain. I recall the first market run I made after lockdown commenced. No one had masks at that point so we were wearing makeshift bandana or scarf masks. The whole experience looked and felt surreal and it was unearthly quiet at the usually-bustling market. I remember feeling a wave of panic and thinking I can't do this. It wasn't the first time in my life that I had felt that. However, in this as in most of those other times, the truth was that I could. You can do what you think you can't. You just... do.
So, I continued to go to the market, waiting in line where there were designated spaces and feeling frustration at those who couldn't follow the rules. And that was when I first began to meditate. Meditation and working out almost daily made all the difference in the world. I filled my days with these activities as well as doing a lot of writing and cooking. I rarely saw Joel, though we talked several times each day. He was afraid he would kill me if he spent any time with me, since his job put him in contact with hundreds of people each day. As the year passed and vaccines became available, we began to see each other more and were finally no longer dependent on negative test results in order to spend time together. Eventually, we returned to a restaurant and a salsa club in late October of 2021, nineteen months after the start of lockdown.
I don't look back in anger at the experience nor at the protocols that were installed during that time. I understand that rules were put in place in a process of trial and error. And as always, it was better to err on the side of caution. Did we need to close schools? Probably not. Did we need to wear masks in public after we were vaccinated? Maybe. What I think is ridiculous is that Covid has become another don't ask, don't tell issue depending on your political leanings. I always thought the phrase: It's just a cold came from ignorance. But now it comes from defensiveness, which is truly silly.
There will be other novel viruses and hopefully we will apply what we learned through this one. I caught Covid twice. The first time was horrible and took me about a month to return to normal health and energy. I never want to go through that again. The second time was very mild. Luckily, Joel gave it to me, which means we recouped together watching movies and ordering takeout. It was basically a staycation.
While I don't meditate every day as I mostly did during lockdown, I still rely on it. And, thanks to the work I did with a qualified therapist, I no longer look backwards in my life with anger, nor do I have a great deal of fear about the future. Am I every day in the moment? No, as that's impossible. But I do try to practice this. As to the future? Whatever will be, will be.
