March, April & May

Los Angeles, California

There is no way to get around it. I stopped writing. I stopped writing in my journal. I stopped writing posts for this blog. I was trying to carry shopping lists in my head. Pen, nor pencil, was not applied to paper. Keystrokes were only for the purpose of virtual shopping on Gilt, J Crew, and some surfing around websites.

It was time to stop writing here. Earlier posts had some humor; had some lightness of tone...at least I hope so. I tried. But lately, what with my blog namesake, my very special frister, passing away, everything got sad and heavy. So, am I now prepared to commence writing with joy and verve? Hardly. Life is still presenting its challenges. Especially on the Mom front, as she recently had a fall and broke her femur, which, I am told, is the most painful break you can suffer. It is the largest bone in our bodies and the one that produces red blood cells. I had to make the decision about surgery. Without it, she would have spent the rest of her life in bed. So I signed the consent form, then sat alone in the hospital waiting room while an orthopedic surgeon installed a rod in her leg.

Have I ever mentioned that I am not a good sleeper? That's an understatement. When a periodontist wanted to use a general anesthetic (there is a TH in there, people, the H is NOT silent) for a surgical procedure that I needed, I told him: Good luck with that. I can't sleep in bed, so if you can put me to sleep here, I will greatly appreciate it. He did, by the way. So, here was the miracle of Betty's surgery: I fell asleep in a chair in the waiting room on the surgical floor. I had been in ER with her from 1:30 to 5:00 that morning, so, that may explain it. The surgeon woke me up to tell me that she had come through fine. Before surgery, when she was already prepped, the anesthesiologist (H) introduced himself, and told me that he had administered anesthesia last fall when my mom had her retinal surgery. Same hospital...

The weird thing is that she was hospitalized a year earlier to the day. I spent that entire day in the ER with her at a different hospital where she was later admitted. I had nothing to eat but a protein bar that entire day. Two of my salsa friends, Joel and Carol, were texting me and offering to bring me a burrito (Joel) or scotch (Carol) or tequila (Joel again). I didn't take them up on it, though I did think about it.

It's been a rough year. A rough five years, really. So how do you pull up humor and lightness when you have all of this on your mind 24/7? Well, here in my blog world, I evidently don't. I just try to write and let who I am, and where I am, come through. It's probably death to the whole concept with which I began my blog. But, as I wrote long ago, a blog takes on a life of its own. What I am learning at this point in my life is that life takes on a life of its own. The struggles I have in caring for my mom are not unique to me. As I often say: We're either going through this, we've gone through it, or we will go through it... And I am also hearing in my head: This is it. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I'm not quite ready for the bucket list, but I do know, I fervently understand, that I need joy, I need laughter, and I want contentment in my life. While I need to continue to focus on my mom at this point in my life, I am striving for balance. So how can I say that there is no humor to be found here? Because that goal of establishing balance in my life at this time, is frankly hilarious... Thank you for reading my blog. Aren't you tired of my apologizing for it? I'm not going to...at least not today...