Ghandi Revisited

Los Angeles, California

I don't do new year's resolutions. But I do use the ending and subsequent start of a new year to do an evaluation and reset. And that can take many shapes and forms. This year I am reflecting on acceptance. Recently an old friend (one whom I have referred to as my ex-best friend) and I have reconnected. It is tentative and tenuous and we have agreed to take this reformation in baby steps. But as time goes by, I find myself more forgiving of the breaches and lapses that used to plague me in my relationships. But this easing is within reason.

I was fortunate to grow up with a father who believed in boundaries and discipline but was completely devoid of racism and mostly of judgmentalism. I inherited my own judgmentalism from what was modeled by my mother. My father used to say that he couldn't understand why, after spending a day with family or a family of friends, my mother and grandmother would trash them on the drive all the way home. I would add that they trashed-talked them for sport. I have sincere issues with breaches of etiquette and the golden rule. I believe that you have to make an effort in your relationships, and I strongly believe in reciprocity. My mother often said about my sister that the river only runs one way with her. This was true and maybe it is why I have such a problem with people like that. If the river is only running from me to them, I will let it flow for longer than I probably should, and then the dam goes up overnight.

But I am older and wiser and have seen things happen in my own life, and in the lives of people close to me, which has given me a greater sense of perspective. I have kept people in my life who have done terrible things. And I regret that. And I see friends keeping people in their lives who have done terrible things. I don't want to be the one who throws stones, but I also don't feel I am living in a glass house. If someone were to wrongly accuse me of something heinous, I would run far and fast away from them. If someone deliberately or carelessly hurts their friend or family-member, I will question that person's lack of kindness and character, and back up from them while the behavior continues. It's a murky grey area as to whether I keep them in my life once I see that is who they are. I've been there and done that. See sentence pertaining to regret earlier in this paragraph.

My father believed in rules and order. He believed in expert opinions. He didn't question the validity of stop signs, marriage vows, scientific recommendations, faith. His world was well-ordered because he was educated and deferred to educated facts. He valued his own opinion, but was clearly cognizant that facts were facts and conspiracy theories were bullshit.

I, on the other hand, grew up in the late sixties and my generation was told to question everything: the morality of a war in southeast Asia; codes regarding dress and/or men's hair length; organized religion and Washington's Watergate-era politics. I now see a world where people rail against science, the arts, and traffic signs. I feel we are living in an increasingly downward spiral of chaos where everyone feels entitled to do exactly what they feel like doing regardless of anyone else.

Recently a friend remarked to me that she was grateful to be on the downward side of life because, as she put it, the world is horrible and it's not going to get any better. I do feel that on occasion, but I try to buck that up with a sense that the world could be better. Last year I mentioned to a friend that I was trying to live by being the change you want to see in the world. She replied that my statement sounded like some liberal gibberish. WTF? It's a quote from Ghandi and clearly an enlightened goal to set for oneself. But trying to make the world better may seem, to some, like liberal bullshit. And that's pretty sad.

So, here in the beginning of the year, and before I set a goal for the period of Lent, I am pondering my existential plan for the year. Not a resolution. Not an I-give-up collapse. But, something, somewhere on the positive side of the spectrum between joy and despair. And maybe that is the space where acceptance resides. I do want to be that change that I want to see, especially within the relationships I value. I have a belief that you can make a huge difference by taking the higher road. I have resolved to be aware of sarcasm, snarkiness, and especially the hit-and-run political comments that I hear around me. They have no place in a better world. And I am reminded of what I thought after 9/11: I can't substantially change the world, nor my country, state nor city. But I can change how I behave in my circle of family and friends. Going forward I will make that effort as well as continuing to welcome the people who also make that effort into my life. It is time for that change.