Grateful

Sacramento, California

Billy and I are flying back from Sacramento this evening. Yesterday was my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with Sandra. Memories of my birthdays have been flooding over me. Until last year I spent over a decade of birthdays with Sandra and John, first at the Kona Village Resort, then two years ago, after the resort had been decimated by the tsunami following the earthquake in Japan, at their home at Glenbrook on Lake Tahoe.

We hadn't seen them since late July at Glenbrook, and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do for my birthday, except spend it with Sandra. We spent two consecutive days visiting with them at their home. Sandra is no longer leaving home except for medical appointments. She is painfully thin. But she is so still Sandra in every other way. We spent my birthday looking at photo albums, eating green burritos from Del Taco, and then cupcakes.

When I would wake up on my birthday at the Kona Village the first thing I would receive was a birthday greeting email from Max. He lives on the east coast six hours ahead of Kona time, so getting the first birthday greeting in was not a huge feat. Still it meant a great deal to me. When we would leave our hale, Lava Samoan 8, to walk down to Hale Moana for breakfast, we would often find a birthday balloon tied to the railing of our hale. This, compliments of the thoughtful and very fun Director of Rooms, Cindy. When Sandra and John arrived at breakfast I would put on my birthday tiara, which I wore most of the day. In the evening I would change to my birthday queen crown. Often strangers would say Happy Birthday as they passed me on the path, or when they saw me at lunch. It would take me a moment to remember: Ah yes, the tiara. Once after I changed into the crown, before we met John & Sandra at the Bora Bora Bar where we had originally been introduced to them, a guest commented to me: You've changed your tiara. Yes, this was the evening one. It was all so silly and delightful.

I don't think that I will have birthdays like that again. And, like all special memories, I'm not sure I appreciated just how good it was at the time. And now, seeing Sandra struggling, but with the same spirit that has always been Sandra, I miss those times more than is imaginable. Sacramento is not Kona. But Sandra is still Sandra, and thankfully is still with us.

It wasn't an easy trip. But it wasn't about my birthday, really. It was about visiting a friend, a sister, a frister. My frister extraodinaire. And appreciating all of the good times that we have shared. It's like she said to me, you know we have to be really grateful that we had all those times there. And I am. And I am beyond thankful that one evening, our bartender Carole, introduced us to each other. From there we became friends who traveled together around California and Nevada, and to Tahiti and Panama. We had good times, and made the best memories.  Spending birthdays with her has been the best gift I could receive. And for all of the other times, and for the pure joy of knowing her, I am and will always be eternally grateful.

Thank you for reading my blog.

There Are None So Blind...

Los Angeles, California

My mom's retina continued to fray after the surgery. There had simply been too much damage done by the shingles virus which had run rampant in her eye for six weeks before she started treatment for it. The rehab facility had never diagnosed it. They were too busy bringing in all kinds of specialists who could get a slice of her Medicare pie. You learn a lot through a process like this, including cynicism about it…

Ultimately, we opted not to put her through another surgery. It would only improve her vision from being able to see a hand waving in front of her face to being able to count fingers in front of her face. She would not be able to read. The two facilitators at the board and care, whom I trusted a lot, and the doctor supported this decision, as did Billy. My sister was not consulted, as she has not been in the loop on Mom's medical care since she opted out in 2009.

Along with the change in my mom's condition, upheaval is afoot all around me. Autumn is now here, and I am predictably mourning the loss of summer. This is something I always do, but even more so now that I don't really look forward to the holidays, and especially this year with Todd and Christopher taking a South American cruise instead of renting the house in Carmel as they have done for the past two years. Still, we will return to Carmel just before Christmas for our last stay at Casita de la Mar. Another chapter closing...

There have been so many closings and endings of late, or at the very least, upheavals: the demise of my family; Sandra's illness; the disappearance of my sister at a time when her support was needed in the care of my mom; the destruction of the Kona Village Resort, and the soon-to-be loss of our rental in Carmel. In so many ways I feel adrift, looking about for anything to hold onto, to keep me afloat, while I scan the horizon for land. And maybe that's a way-too-cheesy metaphor, but still, it feels that way to me.

Perhaps what is hopeful is my ability to scan the horizon. I am fortunate that I have sight, and even, on the odd occasion, insight. So while I have seen much of what sustained me in my life sink to the sandy bottom, I am still looking for what can buoy me up in my future. I have always been someone who held fast to traditions, but as those traditions have evanesced, and in some cases, disapparated, what will replace them? I know I am fortunate. I have Billy. I have  LOL, and other friends, I have salsa dance, and the circle I know within the salsa community. And finding salsa was truly finding my bliss. Still, these days, as I look about for meaning in my life, I admit that sometimes my eyes fail me. That is when I remind myself of that old adage that there are none so blind as those who will not see. It's just that when you are trying to see from under water, everything can look a bit, well, blurry. Still, I know that my sight will adjust. Alas, my mom is not so lucky. . .Thank you for reading my blog while I am treading water.